I could blame the economy, high fuel prices, high everything prices; I could blame global warming, the upcoming election tension, the debates, the edgy words in all of their cleverness...I could blame God, my sense of spiritual stasis. I could blame what Kathleen Norris calls acedia a spiritual numbness or ennui for how I sense that I am.
I could blame some latent anger or irritation, I could blame people, churched and unchurched, I could blame the so-called orthodox as well as I could blame the progressives, of which I am one. What to call it, how to define it. I haven't a clue. I will simply blame myself, for whatever the inadequacy that is causing these images and thoughts within me.
What I do know is this. I am not sure that this blog should go on. My passion for the Church has faded. Don't get me wrong. I love the Body of Christ with all of its frailties. I just don't have that sense of mission, that sense of energy I once did about the issues. I suppose the only real issue I should care about is the Gospel and its true meaning, as Christ intended...not Paul and his biased views. And this means my sense of duty to my fellow believer and nonbeliever to show mercy, compassion and forgiveness.
My thoughts and prayers are, at best, wayward. Focusing is a difficult thing anymore. With all the things I could be doing to enrich my life and possibly that of others, I cannot be but restless and unaccomplished in all I attempt. Even those things that would improve my quality of life are difficult at best to even try to do. Achieving anything meaningful is daunting.
I must be missing some crucial element, some part or thing--tangible or intangible--to bring all the pieces of me together. Wholeness. Perhaps that is what I am seeking. How is it supposed to happen? I am finding that I am the sort of person who has not always needed but somehow now requires help along the way. Does getting older do that to us? Sometimes we need a companion along all or part of the way to help motivate us, to give us a reason for doing and accomplishing, to help us see the value of ourselves, when we cannot see it at all. I am not speaking of the animal variety necessarily though there are those who's requirement is fulfilled by a creature that is other than human. I was one of those for a time. But finding our footing in human relationships is not a simple thing, especially if you have strong sensitivities to the world.
And so, I return to the possibility that I may leave this blog for a while. There is absolutely nothing at the moment that stirs my passion to write on any particular subject. So perhaps walking away, leaving the door ajar, is the best option at this time.
Thoughts on the matter...
Catherine
11 comments:
Take what time you need; care for your very good self. To every thing, there is a season...
And so, I return to the possibility that I may leave this blog for a while.
Catherine, I've had that thought many times. I have it now, from time to time. It's not that I have nothing to write, but I think about why I write, and sometimes I can't come up with a good reason. What's it all for?
If I didn't have my blog, I fear that I would clutter up the comment boxes of others with long posts, so I conclude that I'd best have a place of my own for when I need it.
You could write whenever you feel like it, even though it's not as often.
My unsolicited advice is "don't sweat it." I am like Mimi, I find my own blog keeps me from becoming a nuisance on the blogs of others and makes me a more thoughtful poster.
I have decided that for a lot of us, a blog is a window to a slightly more anyonymous part of our soul. Sometimes our soul just needs some quiet time and sometimes it needs to just prattle on, and sometimes it says something profound. So what I would tell you is blog when it hits you and don't worry about whether you are "saying anything." It all comes together eventually and we all find our way home somehow!
As you say, it could be a lot of things. It might be helpful to think about the things you were doing, the circumstances, the relationships, etc., that surround times that you felt as you would like. Maybe you need to reconnect with some part of you that has been under-exercised. Of course, I'd hate to assume that something is wrong. Sometimes it seems there is neither rhyme nor reason. Get a massage, blog less if you want, talk to a spiritual guide...but sometimes the only way out is through.
Do what you need. The word "acedia" and the open door seem to have some import here.
Do what you need to and if you can, leave the door open.
Pax my friend.
Hi there...I have never read your blog before, so this is the first thing that I've ever heard you say. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, because you write beautifully and I would happily read anything you put out there. I actually was concerned that you are feeling depressed. I hope you will take care of you, whatever you do.
Catherine, so many of us are wondering the same thing. Some days it is just too hard. I know that there are things I want to write right now but for some reason just can't do it. That happens more often than not lately. Then, all of a sudden, whatever it is that needs to be written comes rushing out.
I am blathering...what I mean is it is ok to not write for a while. Take a break. In a while, come back and see how it feels.
If you stop, it will be our loss. The Church needs you and so do I - even if its only ever now and again.
Take care of you first though. Write the blog if it is good for you. If not...well, there will be other avenues open for you.
The comments I have received, have been words of love. The kind of love that comes from people unmet but not unknown. These words, from all of you, have brought me a solace, a relief from the expectation to "perform" in a certain way, in a manner consistent with the past and now considering how to go about the future.
And Barbi, no one has ever really told me that my Church needed me, or that any of you individually needed my voice. I'm not complaining at all, its just so meaningful to know that someone thinks I matter enough to say so.
Thank you...I am encouraged. And I appreciate every one of you.
Do whatever you need to do, but know that you would be greatly missed if your voice disappeared altogether.
I'm rather late, Catherine, but I do so hope you'll continue to post. I always gain so much from you. Maybe I'd better get back to writing to you via snail mail!
Don't close down; I've felt devastated by the disappearance of Jiff and would feel the same about your loss.
I would miss you. I know I hardly ever comment. It just seems like I don't need to. No witty retorts are required, and you say everything so nothing to add. It is nice, though, to hear a voice which often says what I might if I were a little braver.
Post a Comment