I could blame the economy, high fuel prices, high everything prices; I could blame global warming, the upcoming election tension, the debates, the edgy words in all of their cleverness...I could blame God, my sense of spiritual stasis. I could blame what Kathleen Norris calls acedia a spiritual numbness or ennui for how I sense that I am.
I could blame some latent anger or irritation, I could blame people, churched and unchurched, I could blame the so-called orthodox as well as I could blame the progressives, of which I am one. What to call it, how to define it. I haven't a clue. I will simply blame myself, for whatever the inadequacy that is causing these images and thoughts within me.
What I do know is this. I am not sure that this blog should go on. My passion for the Church has faded. Don't get me wrong. I love the Body of Christ with all of its frailties. I just don't have that sense of mission, that sense of energy I once did about the issues. I suppose the only real issue I should care about is the Gospel and its true meaning, as Christ intended...not Paul and his biased views. And this means my sense of duty to my fellow believer and nonbeliever to show mercy, compassion and forgiveness.
My thoughts and prayers are, at best, wayward. Focusing is a difficult thing anymore. With all the things I could be doing to enrich my life and possibly that of others, I cannot be but restless and unaccomplished in all I attempt. Even those things that would improve my quality of life are difficult at best to even try to do. Achieving anything meaningful is daunting.
I must be missing some crucial element, some part or thing--tangible or intangible--to bring all the pieces of me together. Wholeness. Perhaps that is what I am seeking. How is it supposed to happen? I am finding that I am the sort of person who has not always needed but somehow now requires help along the way. Does getting older do that to us? Sometimes we need a companion along all or part of the way to help motivate us, to give us a reason for doing and accomplishing, to help us see the value of ourselves, when we cannot see it at all. I am not speaking of the animal variety necessarily though there are those who's requirement is fulfilled by a creature that is other than human. I was one of those for a time. But finding our footing in human relationships is not a simple thing, especially if you have strong sensitivities to the world.
And so, I return to the possibility that I may leave this blog for a while. There is absolutely nothing at the moment that stirs my passion to write on any particular subject. So perhaps walking away, leaving the door ajar, is the best option at this time.
Thoughts on the matter...
Catherine
